Winning and losing are two sides of the same coin. As long as we keep flipping the thing, the odds will change. But this is far from how we perceive it. Most of the time we actually think and feel winners are ‘better’. As a bonus we even include a whole lot more to that than what they won at. We tend to accredit all sorts of positive qualities to winners. Usain Bolt even claimed himself to be a legend. Contrary to when you lose. In that case, you’d better be ready to face the critics. Once the coin flips, some people just can’t wait to put you back into place. Twitter and Facebook are great support systems to celebrate winners and to ridicule (or in some cases even threaten) those who lose. It doesn’t really matter if you’re the Dutch soccer team or Tom Cruise; once you lose, people gather for hyenic laughs. These cheap seeds of defeat are already sown during winning.
The importance of winning starts early; when we are children. If we do well, we feel important to our group. Losing tends to be painful, as we often associate it with losing friends. That’s why parents practice both playing and winning and playing and losing. Many loving parents even become ever-lasting reassurance experts for their children in the event of loss. And practicing both winning and losing helps, as it makes competing a lot less stressful. In grown up life however, winning is also associated with power, fame and even stardom. That’s when losing gets even more difficult.
In Western society today - politics and media for example- winning and losing are continuously enlarged. Winning is romance and loss is tragedy. Just like Roman bread and circuses. The crowd seems addicted. In politics for example, we’re now fed with weekly intermediate polls; regardless whichever elections. Annoying and useless at least, but perhaps even dangerously influential. What are the effects of polls? Can we get a poll on how people act on this type of information?
Back to you and me. Just picture yourself as very much average for a minute. If you do so, it’s not hard to imagine how fear of loss - fear of tragedy - can hold you back, is it? By now, that’s what the hyenas taught whole generations. Today, you need a serious amount of self-confidence to show your talents. Not bad for life coaches and other counsellors, but nevertheless a real shame, as best experiences and learning’s are most often found in mistakes and loss. So why don’t we make it easier on ourselves? Why don’t we put Olympic compete over triumph into daily practice? Less focus on winning and losing would liberate a lot of potential. At work and studies, I’m sure performance levels and talent development would benefit greatly from less status anxiety. Happy losers and hardly-ever winners, please step forward and spread the word how trying - without any immediate success - made your life bigger and better.
Unfortunately - from my perspective - dominant global cultures like US and China are heading the exact opposite way. Their institutions thrive on competition and winning. So you need to dare to be different. And if role-model ‘losers’ step forward to help us lower peer pressure and status anxiety; appreciate it. For different results: less expectations and anxiety and more - in general - hope. And be sure the coins will flip. So for now, ignore the hyenas, enjoy and learn.
 |
| Seriously, what's wrong with losing? - www.coachcultures.org |
Note: The way we look at winning and losing is cultural. In ‘Boom with gloom’ I discussed Australians anxieties as a consequence of a booming economy. Booming unfortunately includes change and the risk of dropping out. This new uncertainty increases inequality and judgment: better, equal or less? Australian status anxiety roars these days. Japan is a different story. In ‘A serious plea for mediocrity’ I wrote about their hierarchical society. A culture of accepting hierarchy makes it easier for Japanese to be less than the best.
