Stuck between two countries and a hard place

Living in Thailand for a few months, we had the pleasure of eating at this amazing Burmese restaurant for a few times. The restaurant - in the outskirts of town - also functions as a community-heart for local migrants from Burma. It’s a good place for them to meet, chat and share their every day lives. Unfortunately, last week Thai police raided the restaurant. What started with parking issues led to much worse: the arrest and possible deportation of six people. These migrants from Burma don’t hold sufficient legal documents to run a business, which are not the only rights they are denied. Stuck between two countries and a hard place. The police of course knew, which makes this nothing more but harassment and a blunt demonstration of police presence. Frustrating enough, there’s not much to do. It’s these frustrations - and others - that cause these migrants never to feel at ease. Stuck in a hard place that - worst case - feeds fear and insecurity.

We all know our own bits and pieces about fear. Let’s just call it a highly unpleasant, very strong emotion. In general, we get afraid in the anticipation of loss. But it gets even more frightening if we depend on the good will of others, such as Thai police, or others in power. Fear is stressful at the least, but the long-term effects - often overlooked - are possibly far more severe. I would even go as far as to say daily exposure to fear is like practising it. As with most things we practise, we get good at it. When practising fear - including anger as a ‘bonus-emotion’ - you run a serious risk of becoming a fearful and angry person. It takes strong will, character and at least some social support to stop this. Unfortunately fear and anger often become standard when dealing with new challenges. I can only admire the way these people from Burma have compensated fear with courage. Because that - and something of a happy-go-lucky attitude - is what it takes to set up a community-heart when stuck in a hard place.

Very important to the community though, because if you add to this the insecurity that goes with having to be on your guard every day, you understand why these migrants need to seek and meet each other. Insecurity feels like always climbing up a mountain without seeing the top. Others describe it like the feeling of having no freedom of action or choice; always having to do something else then you prefer. Out of this insecurity, it’s understandable for people to become defensive. Over-controlling emotionally - not allowing others in - is just one of the many strategies. As an unfortunate paradox, insecurity - defensiveness, over-controlling, not allowing others in - often tends to trigger conflicts instead of preventing them. This risk of downward spiral is of course the last thing you need when afraid and insecure. Again, the relative safety and security of a community-heart - like the Burmese restaurant - puts things into perspective.

Now this - long introduction - is what I find so frustrating about politics today. So many strategies and policies are based on fear and insecurity, which result in even more fear and insecurity. Strict immigration-rules, catch-22 situations for refugees, strong - often inflicting - words by politicians, stressing differences; it all adds up to nothing much of a way to go. Understanding the long-term effects of fear and insecurity makes it even more annoying to listen to up-tight politicians who lead on these exclusive and excluding policies and ideas from behind their brave and macho masks. Like the former bullies at school; we all know they always turned out to be neither brave nor interesting. We see politicians behaving defensive, we look at them over-controlling emotionally and we know for a fact they are not letting anyone in or close. All I can think of is: insecurity. It just goes to show fear and insecurity cut both ways. These seemingly brave and macho figures - bullies in power, frightening and harassing others - actually get more scared and insecure every day they do so. Good practise! Downward spiral, just what we need, especially from the boys and girls in the lead…

Come on world, is this how we’re going to deal with future challenges? If we all want to be less afraid and insecure - which we do - there’s no other choice but to take some risk in changing our behaviour. Which actually means we have to trust others and expose ourselves; take some risk of getting hurt. Luckily, lots of people are brave; like these people from Burma. Those in better positions on the other hand - like the ordinary you and me, or leaders and politicians - could do with some more healthy and humorous belief in them selves. Aren’t we far too busy overcoming insecurity by finding support - votes, followers, Facebook-likes - all the time? As a strategy to halt the downward fear and insecurity spiral, I say it’s about time we deal with our highly exaggerated need for acceptance and approval. It’ll save us lots of time, lots of fuzz and lots of future troubles.

Stuck between two countries and a hard place - www.coachcultures.org

We all want the same, don’t we?

This week I had the opportunity to facilitate a Youth Exchange workshop at Beam Education Foundation in Chiang Mai. Every three months a group of Burmese refugees - in their early twenties, working at different Community Based Organizations in Chiang Mai - gather to discuss topics of their interest. This time round about thirty students targeted the topic of education in Burma. We discussed all levels from primary school to university, collecting dreams and ideas on how to improve Burmese education. Two NGO-workers, Leena from Finland and Meaghan from the US, added an international perspective by doing presentations and Q&A on school systems in Finland, US and UK. The outcome of the day was very clear. And it surprised me, although I know It shouldn’t.

Ever since the current military regime in Burma staged a coup in 1988, education deteriorated to a point where post-secondary education was almost non-existent. Nearly all of Burma's universities and colleges have been mostly closed since the student-led protests in 1988, in which thousands of non-violent demonstrators were gunned down. Universities in Burma have been open sporadically over the last decade and most academic materials are even more decades out of date. But the greatest barrier to attend primary and secondary school for sure is poverty. Cuts in government spending on education meant an increase in costs to families in the form of a series of taxes and donations, to be paid to the education department, the school, and the teachers. Every little ‘extra’ has to be paid for. Over fifty percent of the children drop out of school before fifth grade. Children in ethnic minority conflict areas are even less likely to have access to school, as struggle for food security takes priority.

So maybe I was expecting the students to be political about their education system. Or maybe I thought they would avoid the personal, focusing on conditions and curricula. And maybe I was also guessing culture would somehow influence the outcome. But the fact of the matter was that most students expressed basic needs. As they got more personal they talked about copy-paste education, lack of room for discussion, power-distant teachers that don’t listen to students, non-existing equality and no personal approach whatsoever. The students long for critical capacity and ways for them to express opinions. They want dedicated and involved teachers, who are consistent and open-minded. Not to mention they’d like some time to daydream, relax and have fun. And that’s when it hit me; these of course are fundamental human needs. It’s all about participation, about understanding, about identity and about freedom. And it doesn’t matter the least bit whether you’re from the Netherlands, Finland, US or Burma. We all want the same, don’t we?

Fundamental human needs are constant through all human cultures and across all time periods (Manfred Max-Neef). What does change over time - and across cultures - is the strategies by which we satisfy these needs. That is a part of what Coach Cultures is about; being able to help people with different backgrounds, without force-feeding different cultural ideas. But when it comes to fundamental needs we are all very similar, so we can forget about our differences. Max-Neef distincts nine fundamental human needs: subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. Each one breaks down into ‘who do you want to be?’, ‘what do you want to have?’, ‘what do you want to do?’ and ‘how do you want to interact?’.

Sometimes we need a lively experience to remember the basics. To me, listening to the students at Youth Exchange made me realize we are similar in so many ways. All too valuable, especially since I have been focusing a lot on differences lately. Yes, sometimes focus dazzles us. Re-realizing we are all very much the same - I am you and you are me - I immediately felt even more involved. So even though the outcome shouldn’t surprise me, I’m only happy it did.

Do we look up or down across cultures?

Last week I got started on my new volunteer job, setting up a coaching framework for We women foundation in Chiang Mai (Thailand). We women supports unrecognized refugee women whose passions, goals and motivation implicate them as future leaders of Burma. Coaching is on of more important aspects in We womens’ programs, which makes this job a double inspiration for me.

We womens’ staff and volunteers are a happy mix of Dutch, Shan from Burma, Burmese, US, US-Korean-Thai, British and Thai. What struck me immediately is how all staff and volunteer members - culture to culture - almost seem to look up to one another. Better put: everyone is valuing and admiring different qualities and styles and there’s a high level of mutual respect. Which reminded me of an article I once read (and forgot about), explaining how - across cultures - people tend to look down upon themselves. Others - or other cultures - seem so naturally skilled sometimes, while some skills never seem to come easy for you and me. I’m sure you recognize the feeling, right? Looking up across cultures feels good, as it fills you with positive emotions such as interest and admiration.

But, unfortunately, that would be all too easy. This week at lunch, one of the staff members mentioned how Thai people often tend to look down upon people from Burma in Thailand. My mind raced back to the Netherlands, where some not very interesting right winged political party opened a website to encourage complaints about Eastern European migrants. Encouraging people to look down for sure. As we all know, looking down unfortunately is common. So, here’s my question: Do we look up or down towards other cultures? I’ll try a rational approach for a change.

Why do we look down? Although luckily many treasure tolerance and equality, simultaneously discrimination, suppression and racism is happening. Some people look down on others because of occupation, appearance, religion, gender, culture, sexual orientation or even car brand. Most of this is based on prejudice: not knowing. Prejudice tends to make people unsure and less confident, or sometimes even scared or hostile. It’s a cliché, but when I meet arrogance or violence, 90% of the time I see a big whack of insecurity and prejudice. So that’s one. Secondly, people subconsciously look down because of different cultural habits and conceptions. Chileans for example, have very little tolerance for failure. That’s why there are so few entrepreneurs in Chile. It also explains why Chileans look down upon small Asian businesses; not racial but rather based on the way Chileans - and you and me - think and act. Thirdly - and not in the least - people tend to look down because of trends in media and politics. Looking down has become a global sport. Every day papers, social media and television thrive on the latest fails of celebrities and politicians. Looking down can be very easy and subconscious.

So why then do we look up? First of all, as people move around and meet with different cultures, they often feel clumsy and not very well adjusted. I know I did sometimes. If you don’t walk the walk or talk the talk, you’re bound to feel insecure at some point. In these situations, many people tend see themselves as less competent which makes them look up against others. Secondly, many people are curious and want to pick up new ideas or skills. This is a firm ground for looking up at different qualities. And if it turns out we still don’t understand, people are often very much willing to admire. As said, admiration makes us feel happy and good; that's why we all have our heroes. And have you noticed how our heroes are often very much unlike ours selves? For good reasons, as differences appeal and challenge us. The same goes for admiring other cultures. Thirdly - to wrap things up - there’s self-awareness and self-confidence. If you feel these apply to you, you are more likely to look up and learn from other people. At least it won’t put you down.
 
Back to We women. The mutual admiration struck me, so I’m afraid this is still the lesser common. But looking down is just so not satisfactory, don’t you agree? We’d want to make sure we look up instead of down, or at least make some eye contact with other cultures. Ask yourself this: How do you expect to enjoy your lifetime with 7 billion others in this world - different people, different skills, different ideas and different values - if you’re not willing to appreciate differences? I for one am sure cross-cultural coaching would be out of the question without admiration and some serious sense of our diverse reality.

Up for negotiation?

Whenever we want something from someone - or another person wants something from us - negotiations get started. I guess I never realized the importance and the ever presence of negotiation. Never realizing - and never really liking - it took me a long time to accept and admit we do it all the time. And if I say all the time, I mean ALL the time: at work, at home, at school, in relationships, in business, and so on. Except for every day shopping that is, that one seemed to be ruled out in most western countries. Although some people know how to get a bargain anytime and anywhere. But this is not about bargaining; negotiating is a two-way thing.

So here we are, travelling throughout South America and Asia, realizing we lost the most basic and explicit of all negotiation skills: getting yourself an every day product for a good price. Only now - after some four or five months of basic training on the job - I am able to smile all the way through the negotiation process. And even though my own culture tends to look at negotiation in a very negative way, I’m starting to see the beauty of it. It’s both good fun and for a good cause, as a good deal cuts both ways.

Negotiating is also a very interesting skill from the perspective of this blog, as it may well be one of the most culturally influenced skills around. Not only because some cultures have more practise, but also because culture plays a very important role when negotiating. All parties bring in their own specific cultural behavior. We all have slightly different patterns of thinking, sets of values and ways of feeling and acting. Culture immensely influences the way negotiation takes place. How is negotiation perceived? Do we take on a competitive-aggressive strategy or friendly one? Do we avoid uncertainty by agreeing on principles first - that would have been my style before this trip - or do we just dive in and save the best for last? Think only of communication style and peoples willingness to adapt, and you know you’re up for something. Intercultural negotiation is in a league of its’ own.

Paul R. Horst (United States Airforce) wrote a very interesting paper on ‘cross-cultural negotiations’. He summarizes negotiation factors and their cultural responses. A few I find particularly interesting, as you are bound to run into them more often when working (or travelling) abroad. Ask yourself these questions, and see if you can fill them in for your colleagues or business partners. The questions made me highly aware of cultural aspects, which makes negotiating even more interesting and fun to do.

• Soft or hardball: What is the most important outcome for you, contract or relationship? What do you prefer, win it all or win-win?
• Formalities or personal touch: Is you personal style formal or informal? Does that include emotions? Do you like to communicate direct or indirect? Do you take risks or rule them out as soon as possible?
• Organization: Do you want to finish fast, or is time not a big issue? Do you start with minor or major negotiation ingredients? Who negotiates? Can anyone negotiate? Who is to decide? Do you seek consensus?

As said, intercultural negotiation is one of those things you will for sure be a part of when working abroad. It will influence your success and ability to find your way in work and business; in job interviews, performance appraisals, project management, leadership or any other form of every day work. And in the end, since it’s a two-way thing, you’d have to be able to see both ends in order to be most successful. On average, women are somewhat better at this, having the tendency to give in a little to let both parties have some results. Unless - and this is proven - women negotiate in order to achieve something for someone else. This is why, in some cultures, men let their wife or girlfriend negotiate for them.

So, are you up to it? If so, the key is to know about cultural response. And most of all, get to know your own. Charlotte - a Danish expat I met in Phnom Penh and lives in Beijng near to the famous brand-clothing- markets - tells me how she urges visiting friends to leave their money at home the first time they enter the market. ‘First practise and observe, or be sure you’re gonna be caked.’  Some sound advice if you ask me. A similar thing goes for many workers with different cultural backgrounds in the Netherlands. How do you - for example - pick up the desirable Dutch leadership style, built upon consensus and reason, if you were brought up in very different ways? Or what if you’re Dutch and work in France or Italy? What about emotions in communication? Just follow Charlotte’s advice: give it time, observe peoples’ response and enjoy working on your own.

Which brings me back to my own recent experiences and change. Once you learn to smile your way through the intercultural negotiation process and get to see the beauty of it, I’m sure you’re in the market!