Where do you fit in and how do you reach out?

Traveling for almost eight months now, something seriously starts to shift in the way we feel part of this world. We’re growing as global citizens with increasingly global mindsets. Most probably we were already on our way, but today the awareness kicks in. I know, I know, this all sounds really big. On the other hand it’s actually quite normal and maybe even predictable. But most of all it feels very significant and here to stay; an experience worth noting down. To me, it’s very much related to improved abilities to empathize with other people and cultures; mentally putting our selves into their shoes, gaining understanding of beliefs, desires, emotions and feelings. Let me explain.

Many travelers start of with a sense of not-belonging or sometimes even restlessness. ‘Do I feel connected to family and friends?’ ‘Is this where I fit in?’ ‘Do people around me understand me and see me for who I am?’ Those feelings might even get more of an edge when you’re traveling, as you start to connect to different people and different places. Some continue to roam; others rekindle their connections to their homeland, family and friends. Either way our basic human need to belong is a huge driving force. What - actually - is that process?

A large deal of belonging is rooted in empathy: can I relate to other’s beliefs, desires, emotions and feelings as if it were my own? Very early in life we start developing empathy. Once children can identify them selves in a mirror - maybe at the age of two or three - they can start observing others differently. Once children learn to understand about life and death - at the age of eight or so - they can learn to understand their own struggles and those of others. During the elementary school years empathy generally takes root. What starts with friends and family can grow out to bigger circles, such as work life, social and political groups and other communities.

Empathic development goes with selfhood or personality development. The more we grow, the closer we can get to our friends and family. The other way round, once we lose touch with our own selves - our beliefs, desires, emotions and feelings - it gets more difficult to empathize with the people we were normally close with. For some travelers, that might be the root of that sense of not-belonging. But if we feel connected to our selves - if we feel and understand - empathy usually sticks. They say people are somehow softwired for empathy; that is as long as anger, fear and frustration don’t get in our way.

The good news is that empathic development doesn’t stop at childhood. Like we just proved by the empathic development we experience today. But from this perspective, new generations get a head start. They grow up with even more developed global mindsets and global connections. That includes a completely different awareness. In a great TEDTalk - which I highly recommend to see at least twice - Jeremy Rifkin talks about the evolution of empathy: the empathic civilization. Rifkin asks himself whether human beings - softwired for empathy - could extend their empathy to the entire human race, as an extended family. He explains how empathy in recent history extended from blood ties to religious associations to national identity. And now we have the technology to actually globally extend our central nervous system - like Twitter or Facebook - why not broaden our sense of identity? New generations might not even need to travel to understand global beliefs, desires, emotions and feelings.

Don’t think too big. Try to think small. Think extended family. Think friendship. Think selfhood. The closer we are in terms of beliefs, desires, emotions and feelings, the more we can empathize. The more we empathize, the more we feel related. Empathy is a very strong source for social support, for taking care of our selves and of others dear to us. I feel empathic outreach can develop to a larger, almost global scale. Can you think of any better roots for global development? Sure, there are downsides to empathy and social support, like vulnerability or maybe even over-interdependence. But I would rather deal with that instead of complications such as violence and aggression. So try to hold of your anger, fear and frustration. Maybe skip the daily news more often. We’re becoming this global village anyway, with similar global issues and interests. Where do you fit in and how do you reach out?

Global villagers, not just passersby (www.coachcultures.org)

Positive boomerangs flying around Burma

We arrived in Burma during special days: Thingyan Water Festival. These five days of New Year celebrations - in which everyone gets soaking wet - include stages, hoses, buckets, water pistols and bottles. What was originally a cleansing ritual grew out to epic proportions. During these hottest days of the year, there’s no better way to celebrate and cool down. Overcrowded trucks and pick-ups full of people drive past the stages to get wet. Yangon was filled with music, dancing and singing, which made the most happy and positive welcome imaginable. Even though I must admit we got seriously tired of all that water throwing in the end, the people throwing were always welcoming, sweet and appreciative.

But what has actually started, is a brand new year for the people from Burma. The by-election, which was held this April, was an expected beautiful victory for the NLD-party of Aung San Suu Kyi. Later this month she - 'the lady' - will be installed in the Senate. Although power wise this is only a very small step for Burma, the government is actually opening doors that have been shut for a long time. From this year on, the people from Burma have a sense of new agendas and changing social and political circumstances. It adds to the positive vibe, although people don’t seem to overdo it. Optimism and hope go hand in hand with scepticism and carefulness, which only seems realistic considering the situation today and the challenges ahead.

Nevertheless, positivity rules over scepticism. I feel that - even without Thingyan or NLD-victory - I would have been hugely impressed with this ability of the people from Burma. It’s in their curiosity and openness. It’s in their being realistic and sincere even though hope and opportunities lour. It’s in their kindness and their appreciating closeness. To me people seem to demonstrate what positivity is all about. Not a jump for joy emotion, but honest and realistically happy behaviour that actually affects wellbeing.

Why is positivity so important? Well, first of all because most people are more creative when they feel positive. When facing problems, people tend to have more ideas on what to do next. People are also more likely to bounce back from adversity. But what I find most important is how positive emotions make people more socially connected to others, even across groups. Experience has proven how positive emotions make it easier for people to look past racial and cultural differences. Experiments show that positive emotions make people more trusting, more often looking for win-win outcome. These are what you might call transformative effects of positivity; effects that help us promote positive change. Thank you people from Burma, for showing me so vividly.

Being too positive often backfires; like false hopes. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to play sunny day all the time. It almost levels with overdoing complaining and throwing dark clouds; it gets to you. I would guess similar backfiring would happen if the people from Burma were too positive. That’s why I am so happy to meet appreciativeness, realism, curiosity, openness and kindness instead of jumps for joy. Burma has suffered from the dark side of politics, underdevelopment, decline and many political and ethnical issues over the last fifty years. The challenges of today are very serious, with loads of tasks at hand. I feel that needs positive realism.

Our thoughts - positive or negative - tend to color our experiences. And behaviour - positive or negative - somehow always seems to get back at us, as it affects others. It’s almost like a boomerang. Some say ‘don’t toss a boomerang around you don’t want to catch yourself when it comes back.’  We should be grateful for all those positive boomerangs flying around in Burma. This is how people positively reinforce each other. It is my hope these boomerangs result in the creativity, flexibility and connectivity needed to work things out.

Eyes of the world, take a look at the people from Burma. Watch them make their steps. And while you’re at it, provide these wonderful people - in their turn - with all the positive boomerangs you can throw at them.

Water Festival Yangon: Happy Thingyan!

Framing coaching to culture and context

In my blog ‘throw of your bowlines or cherish your harbour?’ I discussed setting up the coaching framework at We women foundation. It was about framing coaching - as a method - to a different culture and a very specific local context; working with female refugees from Burma living as migrants in Thailand. Some of you responded to Ursula or me, for which we are very grateful. To conclude and round things up - as part of my last day at the job - I’m happy to share findings and ideas with you. Mind you this is still work-in-progress - especially for the We women organisation - written from my own personal perspective as a coach. It’s also far too extensive to even call it a blog. Nevertheless I really wanted to get back to you. So if you’re interested, please have a read. I’ll leave you with the promise to “blog” again next time.

Expressing a coaching philosophy
We women foundation supports women whose passions, goals and motivation implicate them as future leaders of Burma. The long-term aim of the We women from Burma project is to assist unrecognized refugee women into obtaining higher positions within policy-making or influential organizations, so that they can empower women and their communities. Coaching is a very important part of the project, as was stressed by the students. Most of the participating women are under serious pressure to finish their education. At the same time, they have to manage their often very intense lives.

In order to meet their personal needs - and the goals of We women - we expressed a coaching philosophy:
 

• Coaching supports the women in gaining more control in their own lives, allowing them to chase dreams they hold for themselves and their communities, by acting on issues that they define as important.
• Coaching methods address and meet the needs of Burmese culture, while - at the same time - supporting the women with means to grow within their community.
• Coaching increases personal growth and leadership. Although we are not specifically training team skills, we feel very confident our women’s independence will allow them to achieve desired team positions.
• Coaching methods adapt to the various stages in the program, in order to help the women achieve the level of independence they need to make it through the in-university stage.
• Coaching is always based on equality, encouraging self-awareness and critical thinking. Authority and supervisor attitude do not fit We women.
• Vice versa, equality and mutuality - through coaching - helps We women to continuously learn and improve methods and projects.

Various elements make a coherent framework for support
We named a variety of development and coaching needs throughout the We women from Burma project. These needs or key competencies - 17 in total - break up into ‘work and study’, ‘personal’ and ‘leadership’. Some are more practical, others personal and in-depth. Some call for a professionally guided process, others do better when students help each other out. To shape the entire framework for support, we put four complementary elements into place:

1. Coaching: aiming at balance and focus through personal and leadership skills.
2. Mentoring: advising on and fixing practical problems by someone with senior skills.
3. Peer groups: meetings to share experiences focus on sharing underlying feelings.
4. Social network: a safe and designated online space for students to meet and connect.

Coaching differs from western style coaching

Compared to western style coaching, I find three differences shape a less western coaching approach:
 

(1) Stuck in the present versus stuck in the future or past

Stuck in the future or past could well be the most common starting point for coaching in the West; driven by lots of future thinking, big individual dreams and unresolved issues. In the West we often have difficulties understanding our present - feelings, anxieties, thoughts, life’s questions - to back up our dreams and future thinking. Therefore western style coaching regularly is about exploring today’s reality to get a better grip; for example on dreams and other future oriented behaviour. 

Stuck in the present might fit We women better. In this context it’s far more difficult to hold big dreams and goals in life, particularly as an individual. For one, because Buddhism focuses on today. But maybe even more so, for the students today’s reality is omnipresent, shaped by being a responsible representative of a larger community under difficult circumstances. Not to mention the refugee context, which means these people have fled experiences of poverty, sometimes violence and other significant life experiences. An illegal status in Thailand only adds to the insecurity and reality of a life in which there are less opportunities to chase dreams and aspirations. Digging out dreams within this reality can be ethically questionable.
 

(2) Different views on a life’s journey

A Buddhist quote on personal leadership states: “Like the captain of a ship, a leader must have a definite goal; only then can he chart his course and steer his ship in the right direction.” This ‘eastern’ journey is all about responsibility, about being a role model within your community who may lead the way. Mark Twain - a famous American writer - puts it differently. In lines well known to western travellers he states: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." This journey is about courage, experimenting and discovering new ways by being an individual. Two very different views on life holding values that shape our journey and influence a coaching approach.
 

(3) High context versus low context

A low context culture is one in which things are fully yet briefly spelled out. These cultures rely on making things explicit. They often refer to what is actually said or written. A high context culture is one in which people assume a great deal of common knowledge and views. A lot less is spelled out, issues remain implicit and are often transferred indirectly. Most Asian cultures are high context; as goes for Burma. Coaching will have to deal with less direct and more implicit ways.

These three differences - together with We women coaching experience - shapes our coaching style and methods. It differs from typical western coaching in the following characteristics:

• Invest time, don’t push forward: within the specific We women context, coaches should invest much more time in getting to know and understand the student; especially their ways of today. The coach has to accept that students are often driven by the present, without pushing perspectives ‘for the better’. This way she can help students to realistically open up to personal dreams and goals.
• Touch on but don’t follow on practical issues: at present practical issues are also taken on within coaching. These issues - although important - particularly add to the feeling of being stuck in the present. By adding mentoring for practical issues, we create as much coaching time as possible to focus on future goals and dreams and personal and leadership development.
• Less play, find focus first: different views on a life’s journey make We women coaching benefit most from no-nonsense methods. Western coaches often apply behavioural experiments to playfully find new ways. In our specific context the pressure of today’s reality calls for an approach in which we take firm hold of the bowlines and cherish the harbour. We want to find some clear and definitive focus points first, before we sail out. A less experimental approach starts with developing a clear vision; like the captain of a ship.
• Adapt to less direct ways; avoid being too liberal-minded: once the vision is clear, coaching addresses personal barriers similar to western style guidance. Nevertheless, We women has to accept that coaching on average will be less direct and more implicit, the amount of which depends on the needs and personality of the student. The coach has to adapt to less direct ways - show some cultural sensitivity - to actually connect with the student. Less direct also means we cannot focus on the individual too much. We don’t want to be too liberal-minded. In our context, connecting to the communities behind the individual is vital, even though we highly encourage critical thinking.
• Advice is no taboo: coaches in the West actually avoid giving any advice whatsoever; it’s all about individuality and ‘ownership’. But as our students try to balance individuality and community, they will at times have fundamental different views on ownership. We feel ownership - the student ultimately deciding on what to do - goes with personal leadership. Nevertheless, careful advice giving is no taboo for We women coaching; as long as equality and critical thinking are secured.
• Keep thinking (cultural) leadership: Within the context of We women from Burma, we want to be extra careful not to impose western concepts onto the students. Nevertheless, We women is about leadership, which means the students also need to face cultural challenges at some point. Therefore acknowledging cultural differences - challenging habits and ideas - can be an interesting part of coaching the more advanced students. The same goes for openly discussing leadership competencies, issues and ambitions.

Pre-university mentoring takes on practical issues
In addition to coaching, mentoring aims to develop work and study competencies and to solve practical problems. A mentor - which could well be a We women project coordinator - focuses on both advising and fixing issues. Mentoring is practical problem-solving on a demand-supply basis. In practice, we like the students to have a meeting with their mentor, immediately following on their coaching session. That way they’ll be able to get practicalities out of the way whereas necessary, while still being able to focus on the more personal aspects through coaching.

Besides 1-on-1 mentoring, we like to set up mentor groups in the pre-university stage. These groups of four to six students will meet with their mentor about four times a year, alternating individual meetings. Mentor groups provide the opportunity to learn from each other’s practical issues. On the other hand, it’s a good platform - and a time-saver - to train or explain activities every student has to deal with.

In-university peer groups support each other
To facilitate students in helping each other, we came up with the idea for We women to set up peer groups during the in-university stage. During this stage, mentoring hours are limited and students are often away from We women base, studying at universities in different cities or even countries. Peer groups focus on discussing issues in small groups of four to six fellow-students. Students help each other analyzing issues and present each other with advice. In the end - of course - it’s up to the students them selves whether they act on the advice given. Peer groups are catalysts, feeding out students with thoughts, ideas and feedback. Students will be trained on how to do peer supervision.

Peer supervision helps students solve both practical and more strategic or personal issues. In general, the longer a group sticks together, the more reflective it gets. The beauty of peer reflection is how it often cuts both ways. While reflecting on others issues, students will learn for them selves. They get acquainted with their own wisdom by overhearing them selves giving it to someone else.

The diagram below represents the way different elements adapt to the various stages in the We women from Burma project. The entire framework - including a format for personal development plans and elaboration of the various elements - is laid out in concept notes. 

Connect via We women Social Network
To facilitate contacts amongst students in a safe and discrete way, We women will start an online forum designed to provide an designated space for students to share concerns, experiences and advice. With minor input from We women staff, this forum will primarily be sustained through peer participation. The content discussed in this online forum could vary from topics useful to university life and studies as well as general peer support when personal needs arise. The forum is not only a place to voice concerns, but will allow students to share resources and ideas relevant to their studies. This can include for example online resources, as well as direct feedback from fellow-students. The network serves as a place to share any news or post topics that are of interest. It is a space for friendly and open communication.

The We women student network is getting bigger and bigger. Some are preparing for university, others are already busy doing their masters and soon enough this network will hold experienced and successful alumni-students. In time, the online social network will become a searchable bookshelf of knowledge and contacts.

Coaching, mentoring, mentor groups, peer groups, social networking; together they make a coherent framework that fits We women practise. Starting from this summer, We women will continue to shape and develop all of these elements. We women will look for an additional professional coach, preferably rooted in Burmese culture. The first mentor and peer groups will be set up this summer, and piloting the online social network has already started.
I’ll be gone, but I can’t wait to get back in touch for a first half years evaluation. 

For more information on We women foundation, link to their website or Facebook page.

A serious plea for mediocrity

One of the first things we saw when wandering through the great city of Osaka (Japan), was a race between four two-year-olds. In case you wonder, they were racing on foot-bikes. The moms we’re - quite seriously - organizing both start and finish line. The kids seemed to enjoy themselves, although they cared less for start- en finish lines. Nevertheless they were competing, maybe even for the first time in their young lives. And it won't be the last time. The rules were fair and simple though: (1) all the kids were allowed to compete, (2) all of them had similar opportunities and (3) in the end there were winners and losers.

It reminded me a lot of an Alain de Botton quote in his documentary Status Anxiety: "if everything is more or less leveled, the slightest differentiation is quickly noticed." The Botton points at discriminating winners and losers in a society in which everyone - at first glance - seems to have similar opportunities. In Western Europe and the US for example, we are taught we can all be winners. We are all equal in that way. At the same time, that’s what makes lots of us jealous of peers or neighbors if they are - for some reason - more successful. And if not winning them selves, people are quick to think they’re on the losing end. Sometimes others are even kind enough to - thoroughly - rub that in. An interesting paradox: while in fact everything is more or less leveled, there’s no room for mediocrity. You’re either winning or losing.

In Japan this is not too much of a problem. Hierarchy has for long been accepted in Japanese culture. As I already mentioned in my last blog, Japanese loyalty and obedience by far exceeds what we’re used to in Western societies. Decisions about job positions and salary were often made a long time ago; although it might have been your parents choice, not yours. But at least there’s no need for you to be anxious or unhappy about your status in life. In Japan you’re allowed to be mediocre; you may even shine mediocre. As confusing as it may sound, it’s fair to say there’s more room for mediocrity in more hierarchic societies if compared to egalitarian societies. At least the Japanese are ‘at ease’ with the idea of winners and others.

In Western Europe and the US however, people may get serious anxieties over this. “Even though I’ve achieved quite a lot in life, I often feel a certain need to meet the achievements of some of my friends and colleagues.” Sound familiar? The idea of us all being allowed a similar amount of success might be one of the bigger issues we suffer from as 'equals', simply because we are not. The truth is not even egalitarian societies will allow everyone similar achievements. Society needs variety. Society needs people to live with - and deal with - lesser positions than others. If we can not accept this 'unfairness', that’s a solid ground for jealousy, anxiety, bullying and stress. At work, some women are having even more of a hard time. While men have always been dealing with a certain amount of hierarchy and competition while growing up - team captains, top scorers, funniest and strongest - women are still less used to ranks. In comparison, women more often end up in less healthy forms of competition at work, which causes even more status anxiety.

If we want to get rid of our anxieties - enjoy life as it is - we might want to consider seeing it as it is. People are different. People have different skills. Not to mention our different circumstances, experiences and lessons in life. Unfortunately, not every skill gets the same decent pay and not everyone will be as lucky or privileged. At work we’d find more room for mediocrity and happiness if - first or all - we stopped promising our selves and others too much. It would also be helpful if we stopped enlarging failure. No one needs that. And thirdly, we need to understand every job holds an appreciative value. Only one glance at a Japanese taxi driver - wearing a bow tie, white gloves and a self-confident smile - is enough to understand the Japanese got this. Nevertheless there’s no need to promote hierarchy like the Japanese do. If we see and accept certain things for what they are, we’ll find there’s less room for competition and lots more room for mediocrity. We might even see the beauty and opportunity in mediocrity. Let's live our own lives, not someone else’s. I'm sure we'll like it a whole lot better.

Room for mediocrity? - www.coachcultures.org

Want to read more on this topic? 

Check the related blog 'boom with gloom', including several comments from readers.